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[19 Feb 2007|03:15am]
[ mood | ]

Polygon Anarchy: i want some color in my life, preferably silver

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dancing at all night raves or ice cold in shallow graves or sleeping on speeding trains [11 Feb 2007|02:13am]
[ mood | drunk ]

last night working with andrew was okay. we got along great. i found out that about a week ago andrew crashed his car and he said he couldn't drive it past 30 mph.

today dan picked me up and we stopped by the mall and andrew was working. he told me that this morning he woke up to his car tire popped and he had to use all of his money to get a new one. he wanted cigarettes, so i bought him some... because i am nice and i wanted to help him out and he was actually pretty upset.

tonight me and dan got really drunk with his friends and i'm pretty sure i've never been this drunk before. i imed andrew via hiptop while i was at the chelsea split's band practice. i asked him what he was up to and he said he was waiting for his sister to get home then he was going out. i made a comment about how i was paranoid about dan driving me home because he was drunk. he told me if i needed a ride to call him. i thought that was really nice but i didn't need to.

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When you think twice you arrive at the same conclusion, and it's bad advice only if you use it. [06 Feb 2007|05:54pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Crazy shit going on lately.

Despite all of the confusion, I'm enjoying my life. Mostly the people in it.

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and i don't wanna wake up at all. [03 Feb 2007|07:10am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Falling asleep in my best friend's arms is the best thing ever.

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And when you're fucking him will you scream dollar signs? [31 Jan 2007|07:12pm]
[ mood | high ]

My life is full of friends and drugs and I love it.

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if your heart's a diamond, buddy, what's the price? [27 Jan 2007|01:50pm]
[ mood | relieved ]

Gory mermaid movies, alcohol, one night stand. <3.

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i do my schoolwork while the neighbors play but stare into space with no feeling to convey [22 Jan 2007|07:03pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

being single is actually a lot less stressful. i like it. i just want to find people to hook up with now haha.

i went to wesley's after school. he made me eggy ramen, we watched the office, and napped together. it was nice.

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i'm not screaming as loud as i'm dying, but since you're judging, i'll start running. [19 Jan 2007|10:49pm]
[ mood | drained ]

today was good. mr debiase let me out of class early so i left with susan to go smoke with brodia. we walked to brodia's and smoked and made mac and cheese and it took forever. we just hung around there until she had to go to work at 4. then we just walked around town and tried to find somewhere else to smoke. after we did that, we just walked around town more until we went to missy's and then went to the conference center and the mall and all these other random places, basically just following everyone everywhere. i'm exhausted, too exhausted to elaborate.

however i will tell you about how me and susan were in burger king and there was this homeless guy sitting and he looked like he was sleeping because his eyes were closed and he randomly unzipped his pants and started pissing all over the floor then zipped his pants back up and put his head down on the table. so we left. and we were walking down campbell ave trying to open all of the doors of the places that were shut down, and there was this door that opened up to a random long hallway with another door at the end and susan opened it and it was unlocked so we went in. and i climbed in a random shopping basket we found on the sidewalk and she almost let me slam into a tree or someone's van. oh and we had a lengthy discussion about tree trunks. it was a fun day idk.

well i'm beat and idk if i explained that in the right way haha because i am so tired. ok bye.

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But I keep running right back around for more, cuz I'm in love with my doubt. [18 Jan 2007|03:44pm]
[ mood | content ]

I have to babysit today, I don't want to. I also need to clean my room and do laundry, I don't want to.

I think Sue and I are gonna leave and smoke after school on friday. Then maybe I'll see if Kevin would want to hang out whenever I'm not working. I really hate closing at Hot Topic so I'm not really looking forward to that. I'd rather open cuz we don't do shit in the morning besides eat and do shipment.

I'm gonna go bcuz Seamus didn't take his meds and is flipping out next to me and keeps grabbing my arm haha. Lataaaa.

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I want 2 fall asleep cuz I know thats where we'll meet but I sit & wonder why Im alone again tonight [16 Jan 2007|08:48am]
[ mood | blah ]

I don't know what my problem is. Sometimes I read things that make me think too much, and I usually am just thinking nonsense. Andrew texts me, IMs me and even calls me. And I ran into him yesterday and he hugged me and told me I looked cute.

It just bugs me because we can't be together. I have myself convinced that he DOES have time for me, but I know he doesn't... Oviously, or we would be together. He was usually too busy for me toward the end of our relationship and I know it would get worse now that school is starting, because he will always be busy with school projects and work, and figuring out how to go about his life goals. I guess I just don't understand because I don't really have life goals. Whatever.

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the seasons changed & faded away & the things i've learned to love grow old and die. [14 Jan 2007|07:41pm]
[ mood | okay ]

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

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i was all that you longed for, you were all i was missing. [13 Jan 2007|08:18pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

so i've decided to keep this journal because it holds all of my andrew memories heh. we broke up. he has a lot going on in his life and can't keep up with a relationship. he told me i was perfect and to not let anyone ever tell me otherwise. we're still friends and we talk. his facebook note reads this:

"its amazing how love sometimes just isnt enough...
how there can be so much stress on a person..
that not even love could get them through it.....

i tried to fight like hell...
my intentions were never malicious...i never wanted to hurt you
and i know me neverbeing around probably took such a toll on you..
it did on me..
the truth is it probably would have gotten worse...and like i said hurting you and making you sad is the last thing i wanted to do....
i do care for you...so much...and its really hard to write this....
maybe the stars hold something for us down the road....
but for now this must be done...and i know that it sucks..

i never thought i would feel like that..like this...
you've changed me so much..i hope i did the same for you
you have made me such a better person...
for this i will never forget you

"Tennessee Williams once wrote, we all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call no way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in.""

i'm handling it pretty well. the only time i cried was thursday, when it happened.. all day. but i slept over nikki's and it was pretty fun. we smoked up her tree house late at night and watched movies. we went shopping today and it was fun. i bought a feather bed, it's nice. i'm gonna go clean my room now.

4 comments|post comment

who are you kidding, mister? i can give you everything. i'm so happy that i could sing. [26 Dec 2006|03:37pm]
[ mood | happy ]

i hope everyone was satisfied with their christmas. i spent mine with Andrew and it was his birthday, too. Andrew makes me so happy!!!

here's the stuff i got!Collapse )

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i've got it bad for you. trust me on this one. [24 Dec 2006|06:29pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

tonight andrew and i were supposed to have christmas. he had to go see his family in Monroe or something so we couldn't but tomorrow he's supposed to come. i don't understand how nothing ever turns out the way i would like it to.

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it's all okay by me... it was a long time ago... [21 Dec 2006|02:54pm]
[ mood | guilty ]

i'm about to go to taylor's to buy his sidekick 2 from him. i'm excited to see him again. i haven't seen him since he visited me at hot topic in august, which isn't even too long ago.. but yeah. idk. i'm so pumped to have a sidekick though!!!!!

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i like the way that you are, i am your biggest fan [19 Dec 2006|12:04pm]
[ mood | uncertain ]

andrew said big changes are coming for the new year. he said he hopes to be living in new york by april. it makes me want to start crying right then every time he mentions it. he's really excited but i'm really scared. mainly because i don't know what will happen with us. but i guess it's one of those things you have to just watch and see what happens. nothing is planned or guaranteed. hopefully, all goes well, but the idea of misfortune never leaves my head.

a mind filled with anxiety is not a fun way to live. i'm going to try to extenuate it for 2007. it's going to be tough, especially because everything is going to change. starting in january, i am going to sit back and enjoy life and go along with whatever happens. it is so hard to tell what will happen in the future because anything can change what you think or how you feel or what you're able to do. it's also hard to tell when love is real or just a fool's paradise. but if things get messed up, then i guess they really weren't meant to be. right? i just want a relationship that lasts more than 6 months though, what the fuck.

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i want it, it is you, you are where i want to be. [16 Dec 2006|11:07pm]
i've been working like crazy for the past few days. it's been interesting. example:

yesterday a creepy guy with headphones and a purple backpack came into hot topic and stared at emily the strange p.j.s for literally 30 minutes. i asked him if he needed help and he just shook his head and then about 10 mins later dashed out of the store. he came back this morning and quickly gazed at the p.j.s

i helped some old guy and his wife pick out his kids' christmas presents and he gave me $10 which i'm not allowed to accept and could get fired.. but i took it anyway. then he gave me a card and told me that he owned a head shop and they sold cool glass pieces.. but then i got home and actually looked at the card and it was for like some futon store idk.

today i spent $130 on shoes for andrew. borders wouldn't let me purchase a karma sutra book because i wasn't 18.. yet i was able to buy a sex game from spencer's. so gay.

i could have sworn i had more to say than this.. but now i can't think of anything. rats.
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to make a mountain of your life is just a choice but i never learned enough to listen [11 Dec 2006|06:27pm]
[ mood | sick ]

i am home from school today, sick.

i cannot wait until andrew starts going back to school in January because then he will have more time for me! work and strict parents have been very preventing lately. ;/

Monday, December 11, 2006
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Life can get complicated as you are left unsatisfied by the same light and easy interactions that are usually quite fulfilling. Although serious emotions can make you feel uneasy, you are being asked to swim into deeper waters now. You have much to learn about intimacy, though you may try to avoid the intensity at all costs. You can get ahead of the wave by diving in before you are pushed.

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bubble gumball martini is nothing like dépanneur red wine. [07 Dec 2006|01:59am]
yesterday i finally got to see andrew! i haven't been able to due to work schedules taking up all of our time.. now that they know we're dating, we obviously always work when the other isn't. but andrew had a day off yesterday and so did i, schoolwise.. i still had to go to work at 5:30 but that's okay.

i did 4 hours worth of mark downs today at work. talk about annoying. not to mention i hate customers. they try to get your attention in the rudest ways, like making strange noises and dangling shit in front of your face. what the fuck are you, an animal? fuck you.. i'll wait until you try to get my attention the right way before i help you.
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slackerbitch, faghag, whore. looks real cute, her lips are sore. [03 Dec 2006|01:11am]
[ mood | flirty ]

once again my paycheck spent all in one weekend. but this time it's not because of careless unneeded shopping. i had to christmas shop! so i bought the rest of the lingerie i needed from victoria's secret. fucking $56 for a bra and underwear. they're really nice though. i also bought a game from spencers to go along with it ;). i bought my dad slip on shoes like vans, but they're by converse.. black and white with skulls like he wanted. i bought my mom the new post secret book, my secret, and i don't know what else to get her. in addition to that i bought minutes for my broken sidekick, cigarettes, and some chili at hooters. so there you have it.. all of my spendings. IT'S ALL GONE. i honestly don't have a dollar left. my check was for $168.

last night after work i went out with dan to a party and got drunk off of just 2 beers. this morning i had to wake up at 7 to be to work at 8. i was mad dehydrated from being drunk the night before, so i drank a whole pepsi and half of an arizona raspberry tea within my 4 hour shift. as soon as i got there though, katie and i walked to panera before opening and bought bagels. so we actually opened at 8:30 instead of 8.. shh. she paid for mine, which was nice.

after work, trinh drove down and picked me up and we just ended up heading back to the mall. so i visited andrew at work and we went to delia*s and trinh bought christmas stuff for her sisters and then we went to hollister and stole a few shirts. then we called rob and didn't know what to do so we went to hooter's because we were bored. i only had $5 left and bought chili.. which costed all $5. then i came home and showered and cleaned my room and now i'm waiting for andrew to get out of work at 10:30 to come visit me.

this weekend has been suprisingly good, despite slight boyfriend deprivation.. it wasn't so bad since i actually socialized with some friends at the mall last night, at the party last night, and today.

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